Ten ways to make certain your novel won’t get published

Ten ways to make certain your novel won’t get published
Tips for Writers 4: How not to get published

(in no particular order)

1. Don’t redraft on the grounds that you don’t want to lose the spontaneity of your work.

2. If you do decide to do the 8+ drafts necessary to make someone take you seriously, you insist on doing them online, instead of printing out each draft after the first 3 and editing on the hard copy, which would give you the objectivity you need.

3. Don’t join a writers’ centre – what could they possibly do for you?

4. If you do decide to join a centre, don’t take any workshops they offer to improve your writing, in case you ruin your ‘special voice’.

5. Don’t join a work-in-progress group. I mean to say, what do other people have to contribute to your novel?

6. When your tome is finished, send it straight off to the publisher without getting a manuscript appraisal – gotta get it out there quickly; besides, appraisals are too expensive.

7. If you do get an assessment, don’t take any notice of the assessor’s appraisal. After all, they didn’t seem to appreciate your genius.

8. Don’t read fiction (if you’re a fiction writer). Some of those bestselling authors’ styles might rub off on you and ruin the unique and remarkable style you have.

9. Don’t take the trouble to research what publisher publishes what, so you send your MS to a publisher who doesn’t deal with manuscripts of this genre.

10. Having done the right thing in all the above, you send the manuscript off to no one in particular at the publishers. Genius will out, you reckon.

Aah, yes . . .

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